Looking for the 50 Best Cracker Jokes Ever Told?
The ultimate collection of groan-worthy, family-friendly cracker jokes that are guaranteed to get laughs, eyerolling, and everything in between.
If you're making your own crackers this year, you'll know that finding the right joke can be surprisingly difficult. We've put together a collection of ready-to-use joke packs covering everything from traditional Christmas cracker jokes and classic dad jokes to themed collections for weddings, birthdays and family celebrations.
Browse our Cracker Jokes Collection, perfect form homemade crackers, to find the perfect jokes for your DIY crackers.
What Makes a Great Cracker Joke?
A great cracker joke is short, simple, and just cheesy enough to make everyone around the table groan. Whether you're pulling Christmas crackers, or simply looking for some light-hearted humour, these classic one-liners never go out of fashion.
The beauty of cracker jokes is that they're suitable for all ages. Kids love them, adults pretend not to, and somehow everyone ends up laughing anyway.
Why We Love Cracker Jokes
Cracker jokes have survived for generations because they're wonderfully simple. They're the kind of jokes that don't need explaining, don't offend anyone, and can instantly lighten the mood around a dinner table.
The best cracker jokes aren't necessarily the funniest jokes ever written—they're the ones that make everyone smile and groan!
The old ones are the best ones!
Our Top 50 Cracker Jokes of All Time
Some of these are old favourites and some created by us over the years, we thought you would prefer a mix of both, all perfect for your homemade crackers, perhaps one of our cracker making kits…
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts!
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
Sofishticated!
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two-tired!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of trousers?
In case he got a hole in one!
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music!
I told a young lady to be careful standing next to some trees. They looked shady!
That terribly bad one-liner is from our “Dad Jokes” sheet, which is as bad as you would expect!
Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them!
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up!
What do you call fake spaghetti?
Impasta!
What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car?
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks!
Why was the computer cold?
It left its Windows open!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick!
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn't peeling well!
What do you call an alcoholic pig?
A cocktail sausage!
That little nugget of humour was created by a family member at a BBQ, we’re told sober! After they created it, they then came up with eleven more, so that you can now enjoy them all on our “Ham It Up” cracker joke set.
What do you call a magician's dog?
A labracadabrador!
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!
Why did the coffee make a police report?
It got mugged!
What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time!
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it had the drumsticks!
What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
A maybee!
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrr!
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
What kind of key opens a banana?
A monkey!
Two fish in a tank.
One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"!
Amongst our collection of cracker jokes for DIY cracker, our “The Retro Ones” joke set features this old timer… Probably nudging the “dad joke” end of cracker jokes scale, to be honest…
What do you call a snowman in summer?
A puddle!
Why did the clock get expelled from clock school?
It kept tocking back!
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrelephant!
Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
What do you call a cow during an earthquake?
A milkshake!
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny!
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare!
Why did the music teacher need a ladder?
To reach the high notes!
What do you call a duck that steals?
A robber ducky!
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it faster.
If anything, it’s more sluggish!
Not quite a one-liner, more of a two-liner, but this new cracker jokes is a feature of our “Sports Jokes” collection, as tenuous as this connection may be on some of them!
Why did the football stadium get hot?
Because all the fans left!
Why did the cow become an astronaut?
To see the moooon!
What do you call a train carrying chewing gum?
A chew-chew train!
Why did the pencil stay home?
It felt pointless!
Why did the baker stop making doughnuts?
He was fed up with the hole thing!
What cats live in igloos?
Eski-meows!
Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?
Because you can see right through them!
I saw a piece of toast in the zoo the other day.
Apparently, it was bread in captivity!
What did one fly say to the other?
Is this stool taken?
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read!
This final joke in our top 50 is from our “Dog Jokes” collection – yes, they are all as bad as this!
Think You Can Do Better?
We've shared some of our favourite cracker jokes, but we're always on the lookout for new ones to add to our collection.
Whether you've heard a brilliant Christmas pun, created your own groan-worthy one-liner or have a family favourite that's been passed down through the generations – probably from Dad(!), then we'd love to hear it.
Can you beat our favourites?
Ready Made Cracker Jokes
Let's face it – coming up with cracker jokes from scratch isn't as easy as it sounds. Finding jokes that are funny enough to raise a smile, bad enough to earn a groan, and suitable for guests of all ages can take far longer than expected.
That's where our ready-made cracker jokes come in. We've already done the hard work for you, carefully selecting and organising joke collections for all sorts of occasions. Whether you're making Christmas crackers, wedding crackers, birthday crackers or party crackers, you'll find plenty of jokes ready to slip straight into your DIY cracker making kits.
Better still, we've even printed the jokes for you. No searching for jokes online, no endless copying and pasting!
If you don’t want to be sitting at the kitchen table, cutting tiny strips of paper, you could browse our collection of “Premium Cracker Jokes”, which are colour printed and pre-cut on card – for a more luxurious look.
Simply choose your favourite joke collection and add them to your crackers. It's one less thing to think about when you're busy planning a celebration.
Our joke packs are designed to save you time while keeping one of the most loved cracker traditions alive. After all, every great cracker deserves a joke – even if it's a wonderfully terrible one – like ours!
If you'd rather spend your time enjoying the celebrations than hunting for punchlines, take a look at our range of ready-printed cracker jokes – easy!
Making Your Own Crackers?
If these jokes have inspired you to create your own crackers, our joke collection includes Christmas jokes, children's jokes, dad jokes, wedding jokes and dozens of other themed packs designed specifically for cracker making. The collection currently includes more than 35 different joke themes, alongside assorted packs for larger events and celebrations.
Why not make the cracker making task even easier for yourself? We offer literally 100s of different cracker making sets, which are all designed to easily assemble with no unsanitary toilet roll tubes in sight – YUK!
Choose from a huge range of DIY cracker making sets for Christmas, Easter, Halloween, weddings, milestone birthdays and every other special occasion.
Who Writes Our Cracker Jokes?
One of the questions we're often asked is who writes cracker jokes.
The truth is that our cracker jokes come from all sorts of places. Some have been around for decades and have become Christmas classics, while others are created by us, our colleagues, our customers and the worst ones coming from friends and family!
Of course, the perfect cracker joke isn't necessarily the funniest joke in the world. In fact, it's usually quite the opposite. The best cracker jokes are the ones that make everyone around the table groan before breaking into a smile.
And if you've ever come up with a cracker joke of your own, you'll know just how difficult it is to write a joke that's deliberately terrible in exactly the right way!
At The Cracker Company, we offer a wide range of joke collections covering everything from Christmas classics and children's jokes to wedding-themed humour and conversation starters. We hope you enjoy!
If you're making your own crackers and need ready-to-use jokes, why not browse our full collection.
Looking for Jokes for Homemade Crackers?
Whether you're making Christmas crackers, wedding crackers, birthday crackers or party crackers, the right joke can make all the difference.
Explore our range of themed joke packs, including Christmas jokes, dad jokes, kids' jokes, wedding jokes, food jokes, animal jokes and more, all designed specifically for DIY cracker making.
Can I Submit My Own Cracker Jokes
Yes please!
We're always looking for new additions to our collection. If you've created a cracker joke that deserves a place at the Christmas table, or for any other occasion, then we'd love to hear it.
Who knows? Your joke could become somebody's new favourite, festive or otherwise…
Get in touch with us here, and give us a smile today!
Final Thoughts…
Firstly, spell checking this blog page has been a nightmare, as there are so many misspellings in cracker jokes… Hope we've not missed any!
Did you hear about the cheese explosion in France?
There was de-brie everywhere! Not a typo, honestly!
If you're looking for the best cracker jokes ever told, the truth is that the cornier they are, the better they become. Save this list for your next family gathering, office party, or Christmas celebration and watch the eye-rolls roll!